Kelly's free Lesson issue Fall 1999

Christmass Gift
Handling the dark side
Be clear
Put your anger aside
Stress relievers

12 TIPS FOR STAYING CALM 

Dear Horse Lover 

OK I admit I haven't done an article for November yet BUT I do have some news that may be of interest. 
A gift :
I have unofficially sponsored a few particularly deserving cases on the Intelligent Horsemanship courses since they first started but have now decided to do so 'officially'. 

Ian Vandenberghe and I have agreed we will take up to five people right through the 'Monty Roberts Preliminary Certificate of Horsemanship' free of charge. We will judge it on the five best letters we receive from the point of view of how these people will use the courses to help horses in the future. We won't actually be making the decision on who the students are to be until June 1st so you have plenty of time if you do plan to write in. 

Perhaps if you help at a rescue centre or horse's home they may like to nominate you? 

I'm doing quite a few horses for 'Barking Mad' at the moment - it should be coming out next March/April.
I'm dealing with 'Monty' a vicious horse next week - don't know how he got that name! As soon as I can I will get the next article written if anyone checking in would find any subject particularly helpful and thinks others will do email me. Meanwhile, I've left last months lesson on:-

Thanks for joining me in this lesson. As usual I have to apologise for getting a bit behind with these lessons. Usual excuses - working really hard with demonstrations in England and Europe, writing for UK 'Horse and Rider' and 'Pony' magazine (email them on djm@djmurphy.co.uk for a free copy if you don't subscribe already), teaching courses, dealing with horses with problems. Having said that I'm enjoying it all tremendously, the work is so rewarding and I'm working with such a wonderful team. A special thanks must go to Ian Vandenberghe, Nicole Golding, Dido Fisher, Julia Scholes and Simon Rayner as well as numerous other helpers and supporters. Last month we talked about how to deal with a nappy horse and said how 'a few simple steps can help a lot'. I'm a person that's really into promoting 'simple steps to help' but also feel a duty to remind people to look deeper than that in an effort to be fair to horses. This month's lesson may not be relevant to you - but if you're around horses very often I bet you'll know someone this lesson could help a lot - perhaps you could find a way of just casually discussing it with them - I'm sure their horses would appreciate it 

HANDLING THE DARK SIDE 

If you take a careful look round the average livery yard or show ground you will often by amazed to see a lot of angry, unhappy people. Of course, there are angry aggressive people in all walks of life but does the horse world attract them particularly - or do horses turn otherwise nice people into monsters? We name our courses 'Intelligent Horsemanship' and in that we feel that losing one's temper, as an uncontrolled, undisciplined act, can play no part. There have been times when I've mentioned to people that it is unacceptable to lose your temper with animals. They have more or less said that this philosophy is alright for super-humans and saints, but 'sometimes you just can't help yourself'. Whilst I agree that it may well be natural for some people to lose their temper, particularly if they've been subjected to violence and temper tantrums whilst growing up, it is possible to break the pattern if you commit yourself to the decision that this is what you are going to do. 

A great deal of anger comes from frustration and frustration comes from thinking that you can't handle the problem presented. But supposing you were confident you could solve whatever challenge you came across? Then you wouldn't get frustrated and you wouldn't get angry - simple! You could be able to solve any problem that you have. Look at it this way - a quiet, intelligent person thinking through and looking at a problem from all angles (this is you by the way), is far more likely to come up with a solution than some angry, spitting, screaming idiot (not you, someone you know). 

Next time a challenge arises don't chose anger, or the easy option to just 'bash' the horse in some way. Pause and say to yourself, 'I know I can work this out'. If you can stand apart from the situation for a while, all the better. Maybe even jot down some notes or discuss possible solutions with an intelligent friend. 
 

Be clear
in your mind what it is you want to achieve. Then think 'how can I make it easy and comfortable to do what I want him to do and difficult and uncomfortable to do what I don't want him to do'. Please note, 'uncomfortable' doesn't mean pain just a less easy option like more work, turning in circles or similar. What could you achieve on the right path in the short term? 

From observation, it seems that some people feel they should be angry when there's a problem. Again this is a dilemma that needs analysing. Certainly if you are a competition rider you should care whether you give a bad or below par performance, but anger will immobilise you, preventing you from finding better answers. So don't chose it! 

Is anger ever useful? Possibly if you get annoyed with yourself and don't try to put the blame on others it can have a purpose. Also, personally I have sometimes found it helpful to 'act' somewhat aggressively in circumstances where I need additional strength, for instance if I am schooling a particularly tough horse on the ground, not being particularly strong or heavy, I need to put a fair effort into my movements to be effective. To actually be angry though would be ridiculous. 

Be wary too of 'displacement' this refers to a shift of emotion away from the person or object, towards what one feels is a more neutral or less dangerous person or object. For example you're upset by the person you work for so you come home and take it out on a member of your family. 

Put your anger aside

Not infrequently, the smallest incident may serve as the trigger which releases all the pent-up emotion in a torrent of displaced anger and abuse. Anyone in a 'weaker' position i.e. animals, children or people that are financially tied to the other in some way, are ideal candidates because they can't fight back. 

I bet there aren't many people who would say, 'I just lost my temper - I couldn't help myself with the boxer, Mike Tyson, because they'd be well aware of the possibilities of unpleasant reprisals. Much more sensible it seems to 'lose it' with your horse or child - it's just time those people faced up to the fact that they're bullies as well as cowards. 

In a similar way, some people who are frightened of horses, or get embarrassed easily, Express anger at the horse instead of admitting the real reason to themselves or to anyone else. Consequently, it's the horses that suffer until these people face up to their real feelings and take more appropriate steps. If you find you are generally very good natured but just find yourself getting irritated with one particular horse on a consistent basis, you may have to face up to the fact that you are not compatible. It happens. Do both of you a favour and find a horse you are more in harmony with. 

Stress relievers

Another cause of anger is stress spilling over from other areas of your life. Are you finding yourself getting angry about many things just lately? A health check should be your first stop, your doctor can talk to you about whether you are eating correctly and sleeping enough. If you are in a stressful, high powered job, you must put all that behind you before spending time with your horse.
There are so many good alternative remedies out there for horses now; homeopathy, aromatherapy, massages, acupuncture. It may be that your horse doesn't need these treatments as much as you do though! 

Another important stress reliever is to work on your breathing. Correct breathing is so important on a number of different levels. If your breathing is calm, even and steady, then to a degree, the mind experiences these same qualities. If the lower abdominal muscles are relaxed during inhalation there is more room for the diaphragm to move down, and more air is taken into the lungs. You can breathe more fully and are therefore more energised. 

Breathing is the way you fully oxygenate your body and thus stimulate the electrical process of each and every cell - including your brain cells. Lower abdominal breathing helps keep the centre of gravity low and is associated with calmness and relaxation. One of the best ways to start relaxation training is sitting or lying down meditation. Yoga and martial arts training also include excellent relaxation techniques. 

TWELVE QUICK TIPS FOR STAYING CALM 

• 1. Analyse why you get angry. Could it be frustration, displacement, fear, embarrassment, incompatibility or stress? 
• 2. Face up to it! 
• 3. Deal with the real issue. 4. Learn to breathe correctly. 
• 5. Make a contract with yourself to eliminate violence as an option. 
• 6. Think how you are going to act if there is a chance you temper could be tested. Visualise yourself acting with complete dignity. 
• 7. Keeping your cool doesn't mean being weak. Just the opposite - you can be far more effective if you keep your wits about you. 
• 8. Accept that people will actually admire you far more if you keep your cool. Play the admiring comments of people in your head. 
• 9. Don't deal with the horse when you're so tired, stressed, hungry, unhappy that you know you can't do him justice. If you feel yourself getting worked up, take time out until you feel calm enough to deal with things more intelligently. 
• 10. Don't carry a whip if you think there's a chance you are going to use it in temper rather than just as an additional signally system. The 'wip wop' rope works better and you need to use it in a pretty controlled fashion for best effect - this is a good discipline for you. 

11. Be kind to your horse and yourself. Appreciate both of your good points frequently. 12. Embarrassed? Don't take yourself so seriously - who do you think you are anyway!?

There endeth the lesson ....... 
do remember though that if you feel you or anyone else has a problem that is too much for you to deal with alone you can always ring Angela Hobbs on the Intelligent Horsemanship Association helpline 44 1 488 72772. 

She will do her best to find you a recommended Association member who can help you and your horse. 

Good Luck with your horses. 

Very Best Wishes 

Kelly 

web site en bibliography

next lesson

others articles in Hippo revue p 96 98 99  nr6 1999,  Cheval Evasion p1 2 Shagan & Equinfo

web site en bibliography